Tax Return = Gorilla Suit


This is an actual screenshot from my phone.

Last week, I completed the annual American spring ritual of doing my taxes. This year, I’m fortunate enough to have some money coming back in refunds. It’s not a huge amount of money in the grand scheme of things, but it’s enough to do some responsible things, as well as do something thoroughly irresponsible.

I have decided that the greatest possible irresponsible thing to do with my newfound wealth is to buy a gorilla suit.

“But why a gorilla suit?” I hear a few of you ask.

Because, dammit, I’ve always wanted a gorilla suit.

My other reply is, who wouldn’t want a gorilla suit?

Seriously. If someone gave you a gorilla suit, you’d use it all the time, wouldn’t you? I’m definitely going to get my money’s worth out of my gorilla suit.

Think of all the things I could do with a gorilla suit:

  • Picking up friends at the airport would be awesome instead of tedious.
  • …and if I got arrested by the TSA while waiting for friends at the airport, I’d go to jail in a gorilla suit, and that would also be awesome.
  • Imagine taking a road trip in a convertible while wearing a gorilla suit. Isn’t that something you’ve always dreamed about doing? If not, isn’t that something you wish you’d always dreamed about doing?
  • Add a monocle, cigarette holder, top hat, and spats. Instant comedy.
  • Karaoke.
  • If I ever get invited to an event that will also involve Charleton Heston, I know exactly what I’ll wear.
  • I’d look forward to visits to the grocery store’s produce aisle.
  • I could join a dance troupe, and then emerge out of the gorilla suit like Marlene Dietrich in Blonde Venus:
  • I could vanquish an evil Paul Gleason, like in Trading Places:
  • Add a diving helmet and a Lawrence Whelkian bubble machine, and I could terrify horny teenagers, a la Robot Monster:

Really, the possibilities are endless.


  1. And next year, you can do your taxes while wearing a gorilla suit!

  2. If I ever get invited to an event that will also involve Charleton Heston, I know exactly what I’ll wear.

    Gravedigging spats? >.>

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *