Last week, I completed the annual American spring ritual of doing my taxes. This year, I’m fortunate enough to have some money coming back in refunds. It’s not a huge amount of money in the grand scheme of things, but it’s enough to do some responsible things, as well as do something thoroughly irresponsible.
I have decided that the greatest possible irresponsible thing to do with my newfound wealth is to buy a gorilla suit.
“But why a gorilla suit?” I hear a few of you ask.
Because, dammit, I’ve always wanted a gorilla suit.
My other reply is, who wouldn’t want a gorilla suit?
Seriously. If someone gave you a gorilla suit, you’d use it all the time, wouldn’t you? I’m definitely going to get my money’s worth out of my gorilla suit.
Think of all the things I could do with a gorilla suit:
- Picking up friends at the airport would be awesome instead of tedious.
- …and if I got arrested by the TSA while waiting for friends at the airport, I’d go to jail in a gorilla suit, and that would also be awesome.
- Imagine taking a road trip in a convertible while wearing a gorilla suit. Isn’t that something you’ve always dreamed about doing? If not, isn’t that something you wish you’d always dreamed about doing?
- Add a monocle, cigarette holder, top hat, and spats. Instant comedy.
- If I ever get invited to an event that will also involve Charleton Heston, I know exactly what I’ll wear.
- I’d look forward to visits to the grocery store’s produce aisle.
- I could join a dance troupe, and then emerge out of the gorilla suit like Marlene Dietrich in Blonde Venus:
- I could vanquish an evil Paul Gleason, like in Trading Places:
- Add a diving helmet and a Lawrence Whelkian bubble machine, and I could terrify horny teenagers, a la Robot Monster:
Really, the possibilities are endless.