In the wake of the Zimmerman trial verdict, I’ve seen a lot people throw the term “racist” around in social media. In the weeks before, the social upheaval of choice surrounded “fake geek girls” (again), and the term “sexist” got tossed around a lot. Many other terms of prejudice get bandied about online on a regular basis: homophobe, xenophobe, ageist… whatever. When you are not actually face-to-face with another human being, it’s very easy to deem someone a racist/sexist/etc.
It is very important to call others out when injustice is being done. A truly fair and just society is one that is vigilant and active.
However, very little is accomplished when you just call someone a racist, a sexist, or even just an asshole.
Everyone is the hero in their own life story. Unless a person has serious medical issues with their brain, they will nearly always do what they believe is the right thing at that time. Their reasoning leading to the “right thing” may be misguided, poorly reasoned, based on fear, or simply ignorant, and that is the root of people doing wrong things. As the adage goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. But even if they are keenly aware of their own failings, each person believes in themselves at some level.
When you call someone a jerk, you are instantly putting them on the defensive. You have labeled their entire life experience as defective. Even the world’s most self-aware people will recoil when they are just outright deemed an asshole.
That is no way to open a dialogue with someone who is doing something misguided. If you immediately put them on the defensive, they will dismiss your opinion outright, and you will not be able to reason with them.
But if it is so important to call people out for bad behavior, what do you do?
You stop making it about them as a person.
You say, “It looks to me like that thing you are doing is racist.” Or you say, “That’s a very sexist joke.” Or you say, “You’re acting very homophobic.”
The comment will probably still sting a bit, but that’s the social equivalent of saying, “Hey, you have a bit of broccoli in your teeth.” Rather than putting the other person on the defensive, this gives them an option to immediately fix what they are doing. It gives them very clear, precise feedback on their behavior. You aren’t telling them that they are a bad person; you are informing them how to be a better person.
We all have our prejudices and biases. We all act like assholes sometimes. But instantly labeling everyone on Earth as an asshole because of that isn’t going to get us anywhere.